Monday, August 17, 2009

Congressman Christ – Episode Four

Christ has returned to Earth for his Second Coming. In 2008, he ran for and won election to the U.S. House of Representatives from the 27th Congressional District of Texas in Corpus Christi.

“Jesus!” was called out as Congressman Christ walked down the hallway to his office. He stopped and turned.

“I’m sorry, ma’am,” shouted back the Capitol Police officer, “all visitors must go through security!”

“I’m not a visitor, I’m Sarah Palin and I came to see Jesus!”

“Let her through,” Congressman Christ called out.

Palin marched up to Congressman Christ. “Your Messiahfulness,” she gulped then sighed to catch her breath. “I’m an important person in American politics. You probably heard about me even before politics, I’ve certainly prayed to you enough.”

Congressman Christ began to respond but Palin cut him off.

“I’m a Pentecostal. We’re probably the Christians you would approve of most out of all the other Christians.”

“Are you sure?” He asked.

“Some of those other Christians are religious elites. They look down on us for our talking in tongues and our praying against witchcraft and our shooting wolves from airplanes.”

“Shooting wolves from airplanes? You consider that Christian?”

“You betcha. The Lord is my shepherd! Every shepherd knows wolves kill flocks. We literally interpret the Bible,” Palin said.

“Is there something you need from me?” He said, anxious to get to his office.

“Can you make it so that America takes me more seriously?”

“Your pastor prayed for me to make a way for you to be Governor and you became Governor, but then you threw away the answer to your prayer when you resigned.”

“I did it to better serve the people of this Great nation against the evils of Obama.”

“Do you remember when you prayed to be able to go to Hawaii Pacific University and I granted your prayer and then you quit after one semester?”

“Yes, but—“

“And then you prayed to go to North Idaho College and I granted that prayer, but you quit after two semesters.”


“And then you went to the University of Idaho without praying and then you prayed to continue your education near your family and to be near Todd, so I granted that and you lasted there for one semester again!”

“Todd was—“

“Then you went back to University of Idaho. You prayed to become a sportscaster and I made you a sportscaster, but you quit that too!”

Congressman Christ was starting to raise his voice.

“Face it! You don’t finish what you start! You’re for the bridge then you’re against it! You speak about Death Panels then you preach civility!”

“Maybe we should go to my office,” Congressman Christ gestured for her to follow him.

“No, there may be a photographer or a news camera coming by any minute,” she said, “I get more political clout having my photo taken with you than with that loser John McCain.”

“I am very busy, Mrs. Palin,” He said.

“I need to ask you something—well, a couple of things, your Saviorship,” she looked at him with fear and desperation.

“Like what?” He asked.

“I need to ask about…divorce,” she said in a hushed tone.

“It is written: anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery. Are you divorcing?” He asked.

Palin grabbed Him by the arm and hurried him to His office. “Let’s go! We don’t need photos that bad!”

“Do you remember praying almost a hundred times that you wanted me to make Todd love you, that Todd would ask you out, that Todd would call you, that Todd would propose and that Todd would not change his mind?” Congressman Christ asked. His voice became pointed with frustration.

“I was busy answering prayers of people in war,” He continued, “People who were going to die, children who were in trouble! And you kept bothering me about Todd! Todd! Todd!”

Christ had not been this angry since Simon Peter used to run around to all who had gathered when Christ was preaching his sermons, saying, “Pull my thumb”.

The veins were popping out on Congressman Christ’s forehead, he was so frustrated.

“I could care less if you get divorced!” He exclaimed. “First you are for this university then you’re against it, then you’re for the bridge then you’re against it, then you’re for being Governor, then you’re against it, then you’re against civility, then you you’re for it, then you’re against it!”

“I’m sometimes confused,” she said.

“It’s like you’re speaking in tongues when praying, you make as much sense!” Congressman Christ was fed up.

“Instead of fighting Obama on something like un-real like death panels, why don’t you fight him on something un-Christian like torture?!”

Christ fumed. Palin became timid.

“I’m sorry. Sometimes I feel like I’m being crucified.”

“Well, why don’t I get a hammer and nails so you can have the full effect?!”

Congressman Christ paced around his office rubbing his neck to calm down.

“I’m sorry I made you so mad. I do the same to Todd. I have just one more question then I’ll leave.”


Palin became afraid for a moment then pulled herself together. “I’ve been thinking about running for president in 2012. Are you at all interested in becoming vice-president? We’d win very easy.”

Congressman Christ just looked at her and sighed.

Join us next week for another thrilling and rapturous episode of Congressman Christ when President Obama invites Him to the White House to shoot some hoops.