Dateline December 5, 2010.
AMERICA - One month after the mid-term election in which Republicans roundly defeated Democrats and took back 21 seats in the Senate and 112 seats in the House, a strange and curious psychological phenomenon has befallen Americans.
Symptoms were noticed at the beginning of game four of the World Series in October when coaches from the two teams met each other on the infield to determine an outline for how both teams could come together to give America a good game.
The next day, after the media revealed that neither coach really wanted to win the remaining games, many believed the coaches and their teams had become the victims of some unknown freak side effect of steroid abuse that ESPN assumed was an over stimulation of the glands that manufactured estrogen, making the Boys of Summer seem like the Hermaphrodites of Fall. Balls were being dropped in more way than one.
People really began to notice when Heavyweight Boxing became Heavyweight Boring as #1 ranked Vitali Klitcshko and #4 ranked Chris Arreola stepped into the middle of the ring after the bell and began “getting along” with each other. They didn’t begin fighting, they began talking…about serious things—global climate change, international relations, and Jon and Kate Plus Hate as Vitali mis-stated it, causing Arreola and the Referee to laugh.
But the truth was Jon and Kate had inexplicably and suddenly reconciled which caused their ratings to, thankfully, plummet.
In courtrooms all over America, prosecutors and defense attorneys in capital murder cases suddenly began determining that bi-partisanship should prevail and both their interests be met, then immediately agreed that the murderers would be free on Wednesdays, Saturday and Sundays and incarcerated on Mondays, Tuesday, Thursdays and Fridays with a promise not to murder any one unless the murderer and a potential victim agree that attempted murder of the victim complies with a bi-partisan meeting of murderer’s and victim’s needs.
In this spirit Martin Scorsese recently announced plans for GoodFellas II where the son of Tommy (Joe Pesci’s character) grows up to avenge his father’s murder by having a sit down with the son of Billy Batts where he allows Junior Batts to beat him senseless in a Vegan restaurant, stuff him in the trunk of a Prius and bury him in an organic sugar snap pea patch until six months later when they have to “get it out of there” because the pea patch is going to be made into a Buddhist conflict resolution center.
Later in the year, the International Journal of Psychiatry in Medicine termed bi-partisans disease “Obamitis”. At the beginning, some in America confused bipartisans disease with Parkinson’s Disease, but those people were usually in the early stages of Alzheimer’s anyway.
The Journal says that being bi-partisan is the opposite of being bi-polar but is much more dangerous.