Monday, August 3, 2009

Congressman Christ - Episode Two

Christ has returned to Earth for his Second Coming. In 2008, he ran for and won election to the U.S. House of Representatives from the 27th Congressional District of Texas in Corpus Christi. In Episode One, Christ was sworn in by Nancy Pelosi. In Episode Two, Christ gets his committee assignments.

Christ’s Ascension is a very significant and well-known part of Christianity. But on this blustery January afternoon, Christ’s ascension was up the Capitol steps surrounding by the media asking Him if He really was Jesus, asking Him for a miracle and asking Him if he came to end the world.

Christ stopped and turned to them. “If you truly choose to follow me seeking knowledge, I will repeat what I said the last time: if any man will come after me up these steps, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”

The reporters looked at him, stunned and baffled for a moment until one of them said, “We can’t do that, we’re the media.”

Another responded, “Yeah, we have to be objective—we’re already accused of being liberal.”

A cameraman joked, “Hey, sometimes my camera feels as heavy as a cross.”

They all chuckled. Christ turned and walked to the door of the Capitol building and entered.

Christ walked down the hall to his office when, suddenly, from behind, “Jesus!”. Christ turned and there was Michele Bachmann.

“I need your help with Creationism! Are you familiar with Creationism?—I mean, obviously as the Son of God, you’re familiar with it, but I meant the term. You know everything has changed since you died for us. I mean, this hair on your face is called a beard. I’ll bet you did not know that. It may have been called something difference two thousand years ago! And your shoes today are called flip flops—I mean sandals!”

She continued, “You know, there’s this writer named Dan Brown, he wrote this book about you and Mary Magdalene being married called Da Vinci Code.”

Christ looked at her.

“Were you?”

“I came not to sell books but to make things right.” Christ turned and began to walk away.

“Oh. You know, back in the late 80s there was a photographer who took a photograph of you on a crucifix in a glass of urine,” she called out to him. “I think that was during a Democratic president. I’m glad you came back a Republican—on our side.”

Christ kept walking. People began to stare. “Would you help me by being against Obama’s census?” she called to him again, adding, “They are going to use that information to destroy our Christian values!”

Christ stopped and turned, “Render unto God what is God’s and to Obama what is Obama’s.” He turned again and kept walking.

“I’m on the Subcommittee for Oversight and Investigations,” she hurried up to Him. “If you get on that subcommittee we can sit together and I’ll teach you the Bible,” she called out. “Maybe it’ll help you remember you were not married to Mary Magdalene!”

Christ turned again. Bachmann followed. “If you get on the Oversight and Investigations, we can launch and expose to find out which Members of Congress are not only anti-American, but also against you and Christianity.”

“To persecute others the way I was persecuted? What would that solve?”

“Well, it helped you, didn’t it?!” she responded, adding, “You became the Messiah because you were persecuted—successfully, I might add. You died for the world’s sins—even the sins of those who hate you. If we persecute those who hate you, they can be responsible for their own sins—which takes a load off of you—so you will have more time to make this a Christian country and do away with that separation of church and state. And maybe if we’re lucky the Jews and the Muslims will convert because they’ll be afraid your anger at having died for their sins too and not getting any worship for it.”

Bachmann smiled, her inner theologian now satisfied. Christ looked at her then looked away.

“Right?” she asked.

Christ turned his head and rolled his eyes slightly. He turned back. There was a long pause. Bachmann smiled.

“You’re intrigued, aren’t you?” she smiled.

“I am late,” Christ replied trying to not be rude. He turned.

“I think if you showed people your scar, they’ll believe you’re Jesus.”

“My scar?”

“You know, where that Roman centaur poked you in the butt with that spear to see if you were still alive.”

Christ turned and walked away.

Bachmann extended her arms, gesturing as if to say, “What? What?”

Christ disappeared into his office. Bachmann turned to those in the hall. “Did anyone get a photo of me and Jesus?”

In Christ’s office, his staff awaited his arrival. When he appeared, they were astonished. His Legislative Director stepped forward.

“Congressman, I am your legislative director—Jesus Espinoza.”



“This may be confusing,” Christ replied deadpan with a sigh.

“It is an honor to serve you,“ Espinoza said, adding, “I have your committee assignments.”

Christ entered his office and looked at his desk. Espinoza followed.

“What are they?”

“The ones you requested—Appropriations, subcommittee for Defense and for Labor, Health and Human Services, Education and Related Agencies. And on Foreign Affairs, International Organization, Human Rights and Oversight.”

“Good,” Christ said.

A voice came through the telephone: “Congressman?—Jesus?—Messiah?—what do we call you?” his secretary Debbie asked.

“Congressman. Or, Master, Rabbi, that’s what I’m used to being called.”

“Well, Congressman, there is someone here to see you,” Debbie said.

“It’s not that woman who was talking to me in the hallway, is it?” Christ asked.

“No,” Debbie said, “It’s Muslim Congressman Keith Ellison. But Michele Bachmann is out in the hall trying to sneak a peek.”

“Show Mr. Ellison in but lock the door on that Bachmann woman,” said Christ, “I’m the Son of God and I almost couldn’t get away from her!”

Join us next week for another rapturous episode of “Congressman Christ” when The Family of C Street fame tries to get him to move in with them.