Ladies and gentlemen, welcome, and thank you for joining me for the Jim Buck Blog Special 4th of July Extravaganza.
Oh, we’re gonna have a lot of red, white and blue fun today. So, grab your American flag, sit back and relax, and get ready to feel more patriotic than you’ve felt since George Bush 41 threw up all over that Japanese guy.
But before we move forward I think we should bow our heads in prayer and give thanks for the tremendous service as Governor that Sarah Palin has given to Alaska--and America during her campaign last year.
What a great American, to resign before the speculated heavy barrage of ethics complaints are lobbed against her. She is no Nixon for putting her state through vicious possible ethics scandals and investigations. And she is really no Nixon because she is not president of the United States. Yet. Ha ha.
And let’s continue to bow our heads and observe the passing, one year ago today—unless they lied just to make his soul seem uber patriotic—of another great American who formed the mold, former North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms, who so loved his country, and so hated the communists that he allied himself with Moonies and Central American drug dealers, both of whom have avowed publicly to destroy our great land. And Jesse sided with them and helped them any way he could, just so the communists could never succeed in doing their brand of damage to our freedom and American way of life. God blesse, Jesse.
But enough of the depressing serious stuff, it’s time for our stars and stripes SPECTACULAR!!
So, please put your hand over your heart and read aloud:
I pledge allegiance to the flag
And the United States of America
And to the Republicans
For which we vote
It is our nation
Indivisible from our God
With liberty to dictate our policies
On the rest of the country
And invade other countries
To exploit their resources
And suppress their governments
With justice for all of only us
I think I remember that’s how it goes. If not, it’s pretty darned close. And if it’s not close, then that’s how it should be.
And now for a little patriotic humor. The presidents atop Mount Rushmore are going to perform a little humorous vignette titled, When Does George Bush Get to Join Us?
WASHINGTON: It sure feels un-American being the only George up here.
JEFFERSON: Boy, do I know what you mean, George. If only we could tell the American people what a great president George Bush truly was.
LINCOLN: Yes, I think America only understands how great a president is until after they've been assassinated.
ROOSEVELT: Bully. I know they wouldn't hear me tell them--I speak too softly.
THEY ALL LAUGH.
WASHINGTON: But maybe if you waved your big stick, Teddy, in sort of a semaphore signal, then all of America would know we want George W. Bush up here in stone with us.
LINCOLN: I'm sure many Americans would like to see him in stone.
JEFFERSON: What does that mean, Abe?
WASHINGTON: You see, Abe, you're always so negative. That's why you got shot.
ROOSEVELT: And, that's why there's this gap up here between you and us.
WASHINGTON: He led a revolutionary war--in Iraq!
ROOSEVELT: And he flew onto that aircraft carrier just like I charged up San Juan Hill!
JEFFERSON: And he abolished the slavery that many on Wall Street and corporate America were chained to. Capitalism in America had been like a plantation until he freed them from the bonds of government regulation.
WASHINGTON: C'mon, Abe. Trust me. I say he should be up here, and I should know, I'm the Father of our country.
LINCOLN: But I'm the greatest American president.
JEFFERSON: If you're that great, they would've renamed our nation's capitol, Lincoln, DC.
THEY ALL LAUGH, BUT ABE.
ABE: Alright, alright, where would you put him?
JEFFERSON: Well, there's a spot right next to you.
ABE: I thought they were saving that for Reagan.
WASHINGTON: Well then, let's just say that Reagan was saving it for George.
THEY ALL LAUGH, BUT ABE.
JEFFERSON: Cheer up, Abe. You know you should be grateful.
LINCOLN: For what?
ROOSEVELT: That the back of your head's against this mountain. Now nobody can ever shoot you from behind again.
THEY ALL LAUGH, BUT ABE.
WASHINGTON: We should tell every tourist that comes to look at us that we want George, we want George. They'll hear it in the wind and soon it will catch on.
JEFFERSON: Yes, and it will become a movement. Just like how our own revolution started.
ROOSEVELT: And the people will rise up and demand George W. Bush on Mount Rushmore.
WASHINGTON: And they will rename this place, Mount Bush'n'more.
ABE ROLLS HIS EYES. THEY ALL LAUGH, BUT ABE.
Wasn't that just some great patriotic American comedy?! Let's give them a hand, The Mount Rushmore Players, ladies and gentlemen, and their tribute to that great American president, George W. Bush!!!
And now for a musical number. Kate Smith, singing God's favorite song that's not about his son..."God Bless America!"
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. I just want to say that I and America are humbled by your sharing your 4 th of July with us here at the Jim Buck Blog Special 4th of July Extravaganza!
(SENSES THE APPLAUSE THROUGHOUT OUR BLOG-HEARTLAND)
I think right now everyone out there agrees with me when I say: I think we ought to turn America into a PATRIOCRACY!!!!
(SENSES EVEN MORE APPLAUSE AND CHEERS AND WHISTLES THROUGHOUT OUR BLOG-HEARTLAND)
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! And now...let's EAT!!!
Okay, the food's not quite ready. I guess that's God's way of reminding us to pray first. So, let's bow our hands, put our eyes together and close our heads....
I mean, put our hands together, close our eyes and bow our heads....
Lord, we give thanks for the 233 years of our great country's life. And we hope liberty reigns for another 233 years and beyond. And we hope you'll make the Democrats lose in 2010 and 2012. We need Sarah, Lord. And Sarah needs you. And she has you, Lord, that which is what we know.
Take away Obama, Lord. He is our first black president and he is so disappointing. We have not seen him sing and dance at a press conference not one time, Lord. He is no Sammy Davis Jr.
Lord, we know it ain't politically correct, but we want America to be a white again, but we'll allow some non-whites, just like a genuine American vanilla ice cream cone with maybe a few little chocolate sprinkles on top.
And Lord, bless the fireworks we will see tonight, oh Lord, and give us a good show, for we know that fireworks commemorate the glory of war, and the glory of the greatest war, oh Lord, the war of Armageddon, when the battle of good versus evil takes place, will be the greatest fire in the sky and end-of-the-world display humanity will ever have witnessed.
Oh, I just heard a boom. Was that the fireworks?! It is!!
God's AMERICAN GLORY is on display tonight! Let's watch!!
And now, I know everyone has been waiting for it, which is why we saved it to last, it's time for the Jim Buck Blog Special Winner of the "Who's the Greatest American After George W. Bush" poll. And as you can see, it's Rush Limbaugh!!
SENSES APPLAUSE THROUGHOUT AMERICA'S GLORIOUS BLOG-HEARTLAND
My son has friends who call Rush, "Tush Rimjob". The way I see it, patriotism for Rush through a speech impediment is better than none at all.
And that wraps up (us in our great flag, ha ha!) the Jim Buck Blog Special 4th of July Independence Day Extravaganza!! Let me be the first to wish America, happy 234th!
And let me finish by saying, if you ain't American, then you surely want to be!!
Goodnight, everybody! Happy flag waving!! Ain't it sexy??!!!
GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!