Monday, July 27, 2009

Congressman Christ: Episode One

Christ has returned to Earth for his Second Coming. In 2008, he ran for and won election to the U.S. House of Representatives from the 27th Congressional District of Texas in Corpus Christi.

In Episode One, we find Congressman Christ is being sworn in.

The air was tense as the other Congresspersons standing before Speaker Pelosi for their swearing in condemned Christ’s presence in secret whispers to each other at the ceremony because not one politician or news organization believed he was really Christ.

The world, with some exceptions, believed that Congressman Christ was a fraud, although fairly and legally elected by the people of Corpus Christi—a natural place for Christ to show up for his Second Coming, don’t you think?

In fact, in a 1999 PTL Club survey of the places Christ would appear for his Second Coming, Corpus Christi ranked just above Messiah, Indiana.

January 20, 2009 was a cold day in Washington as the newly-elected Congresspersons arrived in a steady procession of black Lincoln Towncars. Congressman Christ, however, just seemed to appear from out of the clouds.

The media was obsessed with Christ’s election, given that he ran as Christ and was elected as Christ. But because he was elected by a bunch of right-wing, Bible thumping, secessionist Texans, no one seriously believed he was Christ. The media viewed him as a fraud to be disproved with more fervor than they used when they blindly accepted and echoed President Bush’s call for war in Iraq. Perhaps because Texans elected Bush as governor, which led to him running for president, the country believed those Texans in Corpus Christi fell for another fraud.

CNN’s Wolf Blitzer ran a report titled “From Ezekiel to Electiel”. MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow interviewed Rick Warren who said he believed Congressman Christ was shorter than the “Christ” imprinted on the Shroud of Turin, and Fox News’s Julie Banderas proclaimed Congressman Christ “looked like he needed a bath and a haircut”.

As Congressman Christ ascended the steps of the U.S. Capitol, the reporters shouted at him questions, asking if he was really Jesus. And Congressman Christ turned to them and said, “An evil and adulterous generation shall seek after a sign, but there shall no sign be given unto it, except that Bill O’Reilly shall be cancelled.”

And lo, the media was skeptical. But Congressman Christ did not care. He quietly blessed all the children who joined Speaker Pelosi at her rostrum while John Dingell, the Dean of the Congress, administered the oath to Speaker Pelosi so that she, in turn, could swear in the new Members of Congress:

“Do you solemnly swear or affirm that you will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies foreign and domestic, that you will bear true faith and allegiance to same, that you will take this obligation freely without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion and that you will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which you are about to enter, so help you God.”

At that point many turned to see how Congressman Christ would respond. He simply said, “I do,” just as all the other newly-elected Congresspersons did.

“Congratulations, you are now Members of the 111th Congress,” Speaker Pelosi responded. Raucous applause and cheers followed.

Moments later, while Congressman Christ waited to have his photo taken with Pelosi (see above) a few Members of Congress came to ask if he would bless their careers. One of them was Michelle Bachmann, who asked Congressman Christ to expose the anti-Christians and anti-Americans. Congressman Christ obliged, which drew snickers from some of those assembled.

Finally, Congressman Christ was face to face with Pelosi. A nervous smile streaked across her face and a trembling, “You know I am Catholic,” crept from between her lips.

Congressman Christ nodded silently.

Pelosi sputtered, “Are you real?”

Congressman Christ nodded silently again.

Pelosi muttered, “I’d be happy to let the Pope know you’re here.”

Congressman Christ just looked at her. Finally, she could not control her nervousness.

“Am I…am I going to hell for…voting against the partial birth abortion ban?”

Congressman Christ looked away. Pelosi trembled, her knees weakened.

“What did I say about abortion the last time,” he queried.

“I—I don’t know. Thou shalt not kill?”

“That is what our Heavenly Father said.”

“What are we, uh, what are…we supposed to do, uh…about it—abortion?”

“That is why I have returned,” He said. They posed for the photo. The camera flashed and they turned to each other.

Pelosi looked at him with a hint of disbelief. Suddenly, Pelosi and Congressman Christ were in the desert. Pelosi was shocked and she turned to Him.

Suddenly, Newt Gingrich stepped before her and smiled. Horns protruded from his head. Pelosi was baffled then Gingrich made her see the whole world as if from a high mountain.

“All this I will give you if you will bow before me and, uh…give me your gavel.”

Pelosi looked at Congressman Christ, shaken and bewildered. Suddenly, they were back in the House Chamber.

Congressman Christ looked at her. “Satisfied,” He said. Pelosi was still shaken, but tried to maintain her composure knowing all eyes were on her. He looked at her, then turned and walked away.

Others, noticing Pelosi was visibly upset, became concerned. Soon, those who overheard their exchange started a flood of whispers about it as Congressman Christ walked up the aisle to the door, where he turned and said:

“Fear not my children. I have come to set the world right in the eyes of God.” And with that, He turned and left. Light laughter ensued, some nervous.

Join us next week for another rapturous episode of “Congressman Christ” when Jesus meets Michele Bachmann and gets his committee assignments.