Monday, June 29, 2009

Palin-Bachmann 2012 – The First Meeting


PALIN: Michele, it is nice to finally meet you.

BACHMANN: And you too, Sarah. I’m a big fan.

PALIN: I love your eyes. I love how they widen repeatedly when you’re staring at the camera—like you can shoot laser beams from them.

BACHMANN: That’s how I beat Tinklenberg last year…I shot laser eye beams at him, like Superman. (laughs)

PALIN: Tinklenberg? That’s his real name.

BACHMANN: Yes. And I beat the piss out of him. (laughs)

PALIN: (smiles politely) I see. Are those lenses or is blue your natural color?

BACHMANN: No, they’re my real eyes. And I love your glasses. Is that your normal eyesight or are they prescription?

PALIN: (slight confusion) …they’re prescription….


PALIN: Michele, you know, the way things are going there won’t be many good Republican men in 2012.

BACHMNN: You mean voters?

PALIN: No, I mean candidates.

BACHMANN: What about John McCain?

PALIN: John is a good man. But he’s old, and he’s a loser.

BACHMANN: That’s because losing is a natural by-product.

PALIN: A natural by-product of what?

BACHMANN: Witchcraft. Anti-American witchcraft. We or you or me or your husband Todd—someone should do a penetrating expose.

PALIN: I have a better idea.

BACHMANN: For what?

PALIN: For the White House.

BACHMANN: You want me to run with Gingrich?

PALIN: No! I want you to run with me.

BACHMANN: Yes, you’ve had vice-presidential campaign experience.

PALIN: No! I would be the presidential candidate. You would be the vice-presidential.

BACHMANN: But I’m the only one of use that won last year! Besides, I’m already in the federal government!

PALIN: Yes, but I have executive experience. I run a state. I’m the hockey mom. And I’m the pit bull with lipstick.

BACHMANN: I have something to offer too.

PALIN: What?

BACHMANN: No census.

PALIN: What do you mean, no sense?? (sudden realization) Oh, census! No, I’m talking about 2012. The census is over next year.

BACHMANN: But as president and vice-president we can have a new census in 2014—every four years—just so we can be against it. And we can hire lots of Japanese census takers and put them in internment camps and the public will have an outcry and we can abolish the census forever.

PALIN: Well I said thanks but no thanks to the Bridge to Nowhere, I can say thanks but no thanks to the census.

BACHMANN: Especially if it’s to nowhere. And we can say thanks but no thanks to global warming.

PALIN: I will tell the American people that I cannot see global warming from Alaska. And if there’s any place you should be able to see global warming, it’s Alaska. That will convince them.

BACHMANN: Oh, can I…can I see Alaska from Minnesota…? We’re right next to Canada, you know….

PALIN: And Canada’s right next to Alaska! So you have foreign policy experience too. That’s good for the campaign.

BACHMANN: I loved that interview you did with that French president.

PALIN: That was a fake.

BACHMANN: That's why I don't like socialism. Those who use it are untrustworthy.

PALIN: Now, I think I should campaign in the pro-America parts of this great nation of ours and you should campaign in the anti-American areas.

BACHMANN: I’m sorry to disagree, Sarah. But I don’t think there are anti-American areas, only anti-American people.

PALIN: New York is anti-American. It’s an area. That’s why they put the UN there, because the UN is anti-American too. That’s why Todd belonged to the secessionist group, so when the UN takes over—

BACHMANN: And changes our currency—

PALIN: Right. When that happens Alaska becomes independent.

BACHMANN: And Minnesota too.

PALIN: And don’t forget Texas.

BACHMANN: Governor Perry’s a good Republican man.

PALIN: But we don’t know if he’ll get re-elected.

BACHMANN: But if he secedes Texas from America, he can’t lose!

PALIN: That’s right! And if we can get enough of the pro-America parts to secede from America, we can win! We must appeal to the people with guns!


PALIN: And God! And money! We’re gonna need lots of money! And we can call it the Seceded States of America.

BACHMANN: Then maybe I can be president of some seceded states and you can be president of some!

PALIN: No, I have the executive experience, I should be president of all of them.

BACHMANN: That sounds like elitism.

PALIN: I have a son in Iraq. How many sons do you have in Iraq?


PALIN: I have a daughter who is a single mother. How many do you have?


PALIN: I have a husband doesn’t really work, but he’s a hunk, so America can idolize us better. What about your husband?

BACHMANN: He works. He’s a therapist who turns gay men into straight ones.

PALIN: Wow, he must be manly then…. Even more manly than Rick Perry!

BACHMANN: Yes, but please don’t tell Gretta Van Susteren. I don’t want her tryin’ to steal my Marcus like she was tryin’ to steal your Todd. Marcus likes her. He finds her attractive—says she has a cute, rugged-looking mouth.

PALIN: You need more confidence if we’re gonna win. We’re a couple of attractive women that all the men of this great country would secede and vote for in a heart beat!

BACHMANN: It’s our intelligence that makes us sexy.

PALIN: And I think we have a better chance of winning if we run on an anti-intellectual platform. Intellectuals are elitists. They ask too many questions. And they don’t secede as easily.

BACHMANN: But if our intelligence is sexy and we run as anti-intellectuals aren’t we running as anti-sexy and damaging our chances of men voting for us?

PALIN: Yeah…. I didn’t think of it that way.

BACHMANN: Wait! I got it! Bimbos are sexy and anti-intellectual!

PALIN: And they have lots of fun! Trust me. You need lots of fun on a campaign! If it wasn’t for speaking to so many pro-American crowds at all those rallies and stirring up all that near-violence, and talkin’ about Bill Ayers, and all that shopping!—I would have been bo-ored!

BACHMANN: Yeah, I guess you should be the president then.

PALIN: I’m glad you understand.

BACHMANN: We should run on a platform of feminist revenge.

PALIN: You mean, we are the ultimate in feminism—a two-woman ticket for the highest offices in the land---and, getting revenge against all those loser Republican men these days—

BACHMANN: You know, Ensign has not made one pass at me!

PALIN: Boy, Perry made one at me!! Whew!!

BACHMANN: I’m jealous!

PALIN: McCain made one too!

BACHMANN: Ooh, yuk! No, I mean getting revenge against feminists! They’re pagans and they’ve ruined this country!

PALIN: But feminists made it possible for us to be in politics!

BACHMANN: No being mothers got us into politics! Mothers have nothing to do with feminists.

PALIN: (sudden realization) That’s right! There are hockey moms, but whoever heard of a hockey feminist?! Besides, feminists are intellectuals—and witches! Like Katie Couric and Hillary Clinton.

BACHMANN: And Tina Fey.

PALIN: Please!!! Don’t - say - that - name!

BACHMANN: Sorry. Does that mean I can’t be your vice-president?

PALIN: Let me give you a little test. What is your answer when Katie Couric asks you what Supreme Court cases you read daily?

BACHMANN: I read all of them.

PALIN: And what important newspapers from the last fifty years can you cite?

BACHMANN: I’ll find a few and get them to you??



BACHMANN: Now all we need to do is think of a slogan...

PALIN: How about: “Anti-Washington, Anti-Witchcraft. Anti-Census. Palin and Bachmann, the Anti-Candidates 2012”?


To be continued….