Happy Father’s (of Humanity) Day

A BELATED CARD TO THE FATHER OF HUMANITY FROM ONE OF HIS TROUBLED AND BITTER CHILDREN FOR THAT SPECIAL DAY:

Dear Adam,

How do you like that, huh?—me calling you by your first name, huh, dad?! Adam! Adam! Adam!

But I could just say, “man”, couldn’t I?? … since they mean the same thing ….

Yeah, it’s me, one of your children!! Oh, but you have so many you’ve probably forgotten about me!!

DO YOU EVEN KNOW MY NAME??!!!

Yes, I know this is belated!!—because I feel belated BY YOU!!!

I am not HAPPY!! I have PROBLEMS!! ... ISSUES!!! … heavy, emotional ISSUES caused by your LACK OF LOVE!!!

All of your children, all four and a half BILLION of us, we have NEVER felt LOVED by YOU!!!

IN ANY OF YOUR 930 YEARS OF LIFE DID YOU EVER ONCE TELL ME YOU LOVED ME???!!!

Me—and all your children—have trust and bonding ISSUES!!

And because of you being addicted to the fruit from that TREE!!! …we got kicked out of our home—the nice one with the garden, remember? And we’ve suffered ever since! That’s right! Because of you, all of your children came from a broken home!!

Do you know how it feels to be picked on and ridiculed at school by all the other kids as the progeny of the guy who brought about THE FALL OF MAN???!!!

I … was … TRAUMATIZED!!!

And all the fights with mom—blaming her for everything! How were we—especially me!—supposed to grow up emotionally stable??!!!

Fighting!! Fighting!! Fighting!! I don’t get along with any of my siblings!!! And it’s your fault—the way you raised my older brothers, Cain and Abel!! They hated each other! It’s no wonder Seth became a loner and left home early!

And now we all hate each other because you never raised us with love—only blame, blame, BLAME!!!!

AAAAUUUGGGHHH!!!!!

Do you care that I’m … NEARLY SUICIDAL!!!!

WHY DIDN’T YOU LOVE ME???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OW!!! OW!!! OW!!!

Yeah, that’s what I thought …! No answer …!!

Well, tell that lizard king snake and that old alpha male—what’s his name?—Mahway, or something??—those buddies of yours!—tell them I blame them too …!

Yeah … happy father’s day …

ADAAAAAAM!!!!!!!!!!!