Minority Report

Tom Cruise played a policeman in the “precrime” division in Steven Spielberg’s film version of the Philip K. Dick short story, “The Minority Report”. At its core, the film and short story deal with the themes of our ability to affect our own future, to have control over our own lives through free will versus the own future being set and we being powerless to change it, like puppets on God’s strings, so to speak, or pushed along by the winds of First Cause.

The free will question has vexed philosophers and theologians for centuries. Recently, I believe, science has chosen determinism as the basis of our reality—that everything that happens cannot be changed because everything that will happen and has happened emanated from first cause. The short story and film also utilize characters called “precogs” that can see the future which is how arrests are made to prevent these future crimes.

Today I developed a technique that I believe makes me, at least, “precog-ish”. And I want to share it with you all. I do not expect to be paid and desire to make no money off of this, for the good of all humanity.

In 1998, then-Congressman and current Governor, Mark Sanford ranted that Bill Clinton should be impeached because of his affair with Monica Lewinski. “I think it would be much better for the country and for him personally (to resign)... I come from the business side,” Sanford said. “If you had a chairman or president in the business world facing these allegations, he'd be gone.” In one of Sanford’s gubernatorial campaign commercials he mentions his superior moral values as a qualification to be elected.

My pre-cog technique, which is very simple, is: when you hear a politician roundly and loudly condemn others from a morally-superior position that is pre-evidence that that politician will commit that very same or exceedingly similar type of crime—or scandal. At that moment it is our duty to alert those who can arrest (but not the police sense of the word) the pre-criminal and detain them so that do not commit the violation. In this case it would be Sanford’s wife—or the leaders of the Republican Party...whoever they may be....

Limbaugh should heed my word here and become the Republican Party’s pre-crime, pre-scandal Internal Affairs detective so as to keep the Republican Party from disappearing behind post-crime bars, or slipping into post-scandal oblivion.

Returning to the philosophical argument of free will versus determinism, Sanford’s scandal may shed more light on this question through the topic of Christian values. My question, using the above scandal and the philosophical argument, is this: did Sanford’s free will bring about the possible end of his political career or was it determinism; meaning that Sanford’s fall was pre-determined long before he was even born, which sort of makes him an example of hypocrisy that was pre-figured at First Cause, or the Big Bang, or, oops, Genesis.

This leads us to the third possible explanation for all of this— God’s will. Under this explanation, God would have caused Sanford’s fall because of his hypocrisy. As a Christian, Sanford believes in God’s will because he spoke about God’s law in his press conference yesterday.

This should teach these “morally superior” Republicans—and Democrats—not to point fingers and self-righteously condemn others because, even if the accuser is not engaged in hypocritical acts, there is the future to be wary of, which, by using my technique, seems to be very certain.

Oh shit, now I have to be careful because I’ve just pointed my morally-superior finger at Sanford and Ensign and the others. Okay, God, I’m not, uh….

Oh no, now suddenly the Jesus quote, “Let he who is without sin throw the first stone” just popped into my head. Uh oh, what’s God telling me?

Oh damn, I’m a pre-hypocrite!!!

Whew!! Thankfully, my free will can prevent me becoming a future hypocrite. I just have to make it really strong. I must be very vigilant and control my urges and desires. And when I start getting worried and begin thinking I’m about to screw up really bad, I have to have someone I trust to stop me, to arrest my behavior, so to speak, so I don’t become that hypocrite I am despising in politicians.

But maybe it’s already pre-determined that I will become that hypocrite! Shit!!

Okay, Sanford and Ensign and everybody I’ve ridiculed in my mind, I apologize. Republicans, I’m sorry!!!

Oh, but what about the rest of my life up to this point? I can’t remember everybody!

Foley, Nixon, Reagan, Bush, Helms, Cheney— [sighs heavily] I…. I…. I apologize!!!!!

God, what have you—I mean, what will you have—wrought upon me??!!

Nietzsche, help me!!!!!!

Eiiin!!! Steiiin!!!!!!!

Limbaauugghh, I looovve yooouuu!!!!!!!!